“I Know What You Want…”

“What’s he going to do?” I watched him from the kitchen’s threshold as Noah, faced the fridge, stood statue-still, staring in silence. My thoughts trailed off…

Nine Months Earlier…

Advanced in all his infant/toddler milestones, he showcased a great sense of mischievous humor and a love of learning through exploration and interaction. A prouder mom could not be found! We indulged in afternoon book readings and humored ourselves in toddler games, like Patti-Cake and Ring-Around-the-Rosy. My chest, hardly able to contain my pride, swelled at the sight of my little boy’s eyes locking with mine as he asked, “Bung-kee?” Moments later, all curled up with his favorite plush monkey, he fell sound asleep.

But Back to this Moment…

Only a few months passed since his autism diagnosis, and my perception of life changed dramatically. My chest felt hollow as it cradled a breaking heart.

No more songs…

No more interest in story time…

No more locking eyes…

No more cute little words; he didn’t even respond to his name anymore.

I thought about his toys neatly placed on easy-reaching shelves collecting dust. Tears stung my eyes like tiny pin pricks. I know what he wants. I wonder what he’ll do if I just stand here? I continued watching my little statue-child standing two feet from the fridge, staring.

In that moment, an shrieking shock of sound electrocuted throughout my body as a blood-curdling scream escaped his tiny lungs. I couldn’t take it. I sprinted across the kitchen to the fridge, opened the door, and delivered the sippy cup of milk. His quaking little hands reached up as tears streamed down my cheeks, spilling onto my shirt. My knees hit the tile floor with a thud. As I enfolded him in my arms and held him securely, I whispered in his ear, “Noah, I know what you want. I know what you need. And I’m right here.”

In that moment, tension drained from his little body as he melted in my arms. He didn’t return my hug, but I felt his head become heavy on my shoulder as he gently leaned, arms hanging by his side, into my enveloping frame.

The wild pounding of my heart sent earthquake tremors that shook me to my core. Helplessness overwhelmed my soul. And I screamed at God in my head. “Lord, I don’t know how to be this child’s mom! I don’t know how to do this!”  

More tears. Then words so clearly spoken, almost audibly, penetrated all trepidation to reach my mind. I heard these words:

“My child, I know what you want. I know what you need, and I AM right here.”

How often I still hear these words.

4 thoughts on ““I Know What You Want…”

  1. Becky, I love you and your family dearly,
    but can I share something, and I’m not pointing any fingers, because each of us have to grow in our own way but:
    If I regarded limitations even for a split second, my children would never be where they are today. I NEVER regard the supposed limits given to a specific diagnosis, NEVER
    Nor do I regard trials and tribulation as a sign that something is wrong.
    Maybe something I am doing is right.
    I pray once and ask God why am I going through whatever it is I am going through.
    Sometimes the answer is immediate, and sometimes not, but either way,
    I immediately begin to thank HIM for the victory. Whatever that looks like.
    If is healing that I need, I thank God/Jesus/Holy Spirit for my children’s healing
    If it is a court case, I thank God/Jesus/Holy Spirit for the victory in winning the court case.
    His victories are 100%
    How can I make this statement, simple, because the Word of God says I win IN Christ!
    I never base what is true on the natural realm because sometimes this natural realm needs time to catch up with the TRUTH of the Word of God. There is a huge difference between what is true and TRUTH.

    i hope this helps.
    In Jesus Christ name.


    1. The Word,
      Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree. God never says, “Oops!” And who are we to place limitations when we don’t know what God has planned? My son was two when this scene took place. That was ten years ago. Someone once told me “the sky is the limit,” when I asked what I could expect from my sons. But, truthfully, I think with God, even the sky is too low of a goal!

      Thank you, again, for your insight and encouragement! I welcome it! Thank you so much for sharing!


  2. Becky, Thanks for letting me see your life through your talented words.


    1. Thank you for allowing me to share with you!


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