“To render unusable,” according to one dictionary.
That’s how I feel. Okay, maybe not totally unusable, but I’m feeling my limitations. Lots of contributing factors. Stress is probably number one. My brain tends to be busy from the get-go, constantly multi-tasking. Projects to complete, rooms begging to be cleaned, food to prepare, household-odd-jobs screaming for recognition when I walk by, teenagers demanding attention (even if they aren’t really wanting it)…the list is endless. That’s the beginning of my daily “To Do” manifest. For me, mess is stress. I can only focus on what is directly in front of me. Calendars and planners are overwhelming during this season of life. Some days, I think I could sit on the sofa and stare at the eggshell-colored walls for hours to give my brain a rest.
“Welcome to parenthood, right?” I know. Still…
Writing is an escape for me. It feels so good to write! It’s the first thing I want to do in the morning: grab my Bible and journal and w-r-i-t-e! Just holding a pencil in one hand with a blank piece of paper in front of me or my laptop open to an empty space waiting for words to fill it brings instant gratification. Breathing becomes easier. My thinking turns clearer, like the sun shooing away fog over a lake. Soon mountain peaks are visible! Over the last few months, however, I’ve hit a wall, blocking me from accessing creativity or the ability to write. I can’t think. To not write is exhausting.
There is one place I know I can find a “brain- break” and recharge with refreshing nourishment: worshiping God. I know that’s technically not a place per se, but when I give God credit and thank Him for all He’s doing (whether I’m inclined to enjoy it or not), wherever I am becomes a place of worship. If I sit on my sofa and thank God for who He is in my life, my sofa becomes a place of worship. It’s in worshiping Him that I can shed my armor of self-preservation.
Worship. A place of freedom. Of rest. A place I can breathe. A refuge from life’s busyness and demanding expectations. It is here with thanksgiving and praise I wait for El Elyon, God Most High, to speak, transforming me or my circumstances. Either way, I am changed.
“Adonai (LORD, Jehovah), in the morning You will hear my voice; in the morning I lay my needs before You and wait expectantly. I give thanks to You with all my heart. I will tell about all Your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in You. I will sing praise to Your name, El Elyon.”
~Psalm 5:4, 9:2-3(CJB)