He Breaks my Heart to Rebuild my Spirit

Today was a “breaking” day for me. Yesterday morning, we received a call from Judah’s doctor. The biopsy they took from his face a week ago revealed “rapidly splitting cancer cells.” It’s not skin cancer. They’re sending the biopsy to Colorado for a panel of pathologists to decide what we’re looking at. Either way, the pediatric dermatologist is adamant we get Judah in to undergo surgery around that area on his face ASAP. The initial surgery will be followed by plastic surgery.

Oddly, this evening,  I’m at peace. This whole thing has been good, quite revealing, actually. As I invited the Holy Spirit into my brokenness this morning, He showed me where I was clinging to my strength. 

Neil has Shwanomatosis – NF3 (see post https://mosaiclifeblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/14/peace-is-trusting-without-knowing/). He has chronic nerve pain. He says it feels like jolts of electricity firing throughout his body. That’s what it looks like when he sleeps, too. There is a genetic mutation that’s linked with Neurofibromatosis and autism, so Neil’s neuro-oncologist at MD Anderson has been watching the boys over the last decade, as well. 

Last summer, Noah was diagnosed with NF1. Over the next several years we’re to be watching for optical and vestibular nerve tumors with him. Benign, fortunately. All of Neil’s nerve tumors have been benign. With Dad and older brother having an NF diagnosis, Judah has an 80% chance of having NF1, too. 

Up to this point, I’ve felt like I’ve needed to be the strong one in the family, the one to protect and be ready to step in as a caretaker for all in any given point in time. I can be strong. I can keep it together… It’s kind of my default, anyway. 

That is, until the prospect of my youngest having cancer five weeks before we move across the country to a place where we don’t know anyone darkens my doorway.

Yesterday, I told God I had a bone to pick with Him. Told Him I feel like His throw-away. I mean, if I can’t be strong enough,  what’s the point, right? AND He better not waste this “life-crap” on me if all I can be is unable. I pictured God crushing my heart to dust and throwing me over His shoulder.

That was my come-to-Jesus moment. The picture changed. I saw God tenderly cracking my heart in several places as He held His hand underneath to catch all the fractured pieces. Then I saw Him cup His hands together and gently blow, strengthening my spirit.

First, relationship maintenance with my Creator. Maybe this whole thing will be really no big deal in the end. Either way, I began to realize God has not been my COMPLETE strength. Not if I’m still trying to be “strong enough.” I need to just be. I’m getting anchored now. And centered.

Second, marriage maintenance with my honey. I KNOW he’s always here and ready to protect my heart. But I haven’t allowed him the opportunity to protect my heart and be my God-given covering when I’m trying to tough it out. Protecting my heart means allowing Neil to care for my heart’s best interest as God has given him responsibility. Allowing him to protect my heart helps protect our marriage.

Yep, my bad.

Now I’m grateful… grateful for a God big enough to handle my bones that need picking… grateful for Jesus, my high Priest who has gone before me; I’ll follow Him… for the Holy Spirit who lets me know when I’ve crossed the line and speaks to me through pictures in my mind. And I’m grateful for a husband who gets out of bed everyday ready to serve and live life to the fullest and is Jesus Christ fleshed out for me. I’m even grateful for the call yesterday morning that took me down this broken road.

As I mentioned, today I broke. And it was good.